This is a breakdown...

You could say I might as well cry in a corner and have a breakdown.

I was fine allllll day today during my mom's surgery and after it.

Then we got to her room.

I found out my grandmother had a "silent stroke" meaning she didn't know when she had it or anything.

Well that shocked me

But then

what makes me wanna scream cry, punch walls, and what not is..

she has altizmer's and they don't know what stage it is or what kind if it'll go fast or slow.

But UGH

I just wanna break down right now.

On a better note

my mom is doing fine.

And I have an idea for a book I may write.

So,

peace!

<3

Me

Breakdown

It seemed months ago I had no worries about my mother's double knee surgery.

I thought "Oh it's not til september 21st! I have no worries!"

Yeah,

right brain.

But now september 21st is this monday.

And it feels like I could break down and cry.

I am not going to have my mom for awhile,

my dad and I really don't get a long too well.

Like when we fight boy we fight,

I remember when I was 7 years old,

he was about to spank me,

and I ran and ran, and then when i was cornered, I almost shoved him through the porch window.

Yeah

One time he punched a door and left a big dent in it because he was yelling at me.

But as you can see we don't really get along. :/

But I guess it's a good thing he works the evening/night shift at work.

So we don't see eachother unless if it's friday's and saturday's.

But it's really hitting me hard that my mom could have the possiblity of either dieing or not walking again.

And my grandfather (her dad) didn't have both of his legs either and was in a wheelchair most of his life.

I never did really meet him.. he died when I was a baby.

But I really am afraid for her to have this surgery.

She was rideing on the hope of her kidney's not working so she didn't have to have it...

It pained me to hear her talk about it.

This friday night after work we're gonna see cloudy with a chance of meatballs and I'm gonna take her out to dinner since we won't have time on saturday :(

But right now I really do wanna break down.

It feels like I am alone right now.

Especially since I don't have anyone physically here to have a shoulder to cry on.

But something that may help me get through this is music.
And it doesn't help that the fact my ipod is not working at all.

So I need to get a new ipod FML. anybody wanna gimmie one? lol jk :)

But yea.

If I snap, or tend to be a bit bitchy you will know what is going on in my head now! :D

But peace,

I will write about my mom's surgery on monday...

<3

Me

Ugh..

Right now my brain is trying to think faster then it can process.

About this moment i feel like i would like to cry.

I just had like an hour and a half conversation with my mother.

It's just ugh.

She is getting knee surgery and the doctor reccomended this thing down at Ohio state with exercising and stuff.

My mom wants me to do it with her.

But see my problem is,

I'm so insecure about myself I hate working out in public.

It feels like everyone is judgeing me.

And i know for a fact if I attempt to work out at home it would be for about two weeks then I would give up probably.

Idk if I would go with her or not.

But ugh.

I don't really feel like typing anymore.

kbye.

<3

Me