This is a breakdown...

You could say I might as well cry in a corner and have a breakdown.

I was fine allllll day today during my mom's surgery and after it.

Then we got to her room.

I found out my grandmother had a "silent stroke" meaning she didn't know when she had it or anything.

Well that shocked me

But then

what makes me wanna scream cry, punch walls, and what not is..

she has altizmer's and they don't know what stage it is or what kind if it'll go fast or slow.

But UGH

I just wanna break down right now.

On a better note

my mom is doing fine.

And I have an idea for a book I may write.

So,

peace!

<3

Me

Breakdown

It seemed months ago I had no worries about my mother's double knee surgery.

I thought "Oh it's not til september 21st! I have no worries!"

Yeah,

right brain.

But now september 21st is this monday.

And it feels like I could break down and cry.

I am not going to have my mom for awhile,

my dad and I really don't get a long too well.

Like when we fight boy we fight,

I remember when I was 7 years old,

he was about to spank me,

and I ran and ran, and then when i was cornered, I almost shoved him through the porch window.

Yeah

One time he punched a door and left a big dent in it because he was yelling at me.

But as you can see we don't really get along. :/

But I guess it's a good thing he works the evening/night shift at work.

So we don't see eachother unless if it's friday's and saturday's.

But it's really hitting me hard that my mom could have the possiblity of either dieing or not walking again.

And my grandfather (her dad) didn't have both of his legs either and was in a wheelchair most of his life.

I never did really meet him.. he died when I was a baby.

But I really am afraid for her to have this surgery.

She was rideing on the hope of her kidney's not working so she didn't have to have it...

It pained me to hear her talk about it.

This friday night after work we're gonna see cloudy with a chance of meatballs and I'm gonna take her out to dinner since we won't have time on saturday :(

But right now I really do wanna break down.

It feels like I am alone right now.

Especially since I don't have anyone physically here to have a shoulder to cry on.

But something that may help me get through this is music.
And it doesn't help that the fact my ipod is not working at all.

So I need to get a new ipod FML. anybody wanna gimmie one? lol jk :)

But yea.

If I snap, or tend to be a bit bitchy you will know what is going on in my head now! :D

But peace,

I will write about my mom's surgery on monday...

<3

Me

Ugh..

Right now my brain is trying to think faster then it can process.

About this moment i feel like i would like to cry.

I just had like an hour and a half conversation with my mother.

It's just ugh.

She is getting knee surgery and the doctor reccomended this thing down at Ohio state with exercising and stuff.

My mom wants me to do it with her.

But see my problem is,

I'm so insecure about myself I hate working out in public.

It feels like everyone is judgeing me.

And i know for a fact if I attempt to work out at home it would be for about two weeks then I would give up probably.

Idk if I would go with her or not.

But ugh.

I don't really feel like typing anymore.

kbye.

<3

Me

Just my fucking luck...

A Water bottle opened in my purse day before yesterday and I just noticed it yesterday.

I didn't noticed anything but whiped the water off.

I plugged it into my computer and it was fine.

But then when I took it out,

I left to go do something.

Came back in my room and it had a white screen,

I couldn't tell what the high pitched sound was coming from.

But it was coming from my ipod.

Right now MOST of the water is out of the screen because I put it under some light and it dried it up.

But right now it's gonna sit in rice for a week.

After I save some money I am gonna buy a new ipod cuz lord knows I need it haha.

But ugh that is seriously my luck. -_-

<3

It hurts me to hear..

I really pains me to see my mother in pain.

September 21st... a date I am dreading.

Not only school will be starting on the 23rd or around there,

my dad is suggesting to just quit finiacial aid and just wait for winter quarter for the palgrant.

Which I wouldn't mind doing.

But on september 21st,

My mother is getting BOTH. Not just one but BOTH knee's replaced.

She is not going to be living with me for probably a month.

She'll probably be in a care facility and what not,

but I am so afraid,

she had a fight with my uncle and he told her she probably isn't going to walk again,

so right now I fear she may not be able to walk again,

but I will hope for the best.

But on a lighter note I finished watching/catching up on weeds. :)

Bye guys

<3

I feel the pressure...

It's getting closer now...

-those lines in paramore's song are so true to how I'm feeling right now.

Once upon a time,

when I was in 9th grade I FULLY decided HEY I wanna be a photographer.

Prior ideas to what I wanted to be was a computer engineer, and a fashion designer but then I found out later I really can't draw and I'm not as good at computers then some of my friends.

But from 9th to 12th grade I wanted to be a photographer,

until my mom had said somethings,

like dealing with how I was going to fail.

So that blew my dream out the window.

THANKS MOTHER.

But now I am still undecided and started college well up again this fall..

And right now I feel like breaking down,

I wish I could just go somewhere to think,

somewhere I am not pressured to think about what I'm going to be.

Right now I just wish I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to.

But right now I feel empty, and alone.

My life is slightly complicated right now.

Just with everything

I have to start paying my finacial aid back, I get my palgrant though which is fucking amazing. They pay for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G Which I need right now, I can't be in debt to finical aid for the rest or a couple years of my life. you know?

But back to college

it's so stressful right now.

My mother is pressureing me,

she is suggesting stuff I don't and will not ever do.

Ugh

There is no hope right now.

I wanna do photography as like a side-job yeah know

but idk what i wanna do for a real job...

Any suggestions?

All is welcomed.

Night everyone

<3

My first blog on this site

You could say my life has been a bit hectic for the past 3 days. Saturday evening/sunday morning my mom was admitted to the hostpital (I made her go because she was having MAJOR pain). Finally today she will be home. Well possibly they are running tests and what not on her to desifer it.

But let me talk about myself for a second. I may sound pessimistic but I am really am starting to believe that my love life will NEVER exist. You know what is so pathetic? Is having no first boyfriend, no first kiss, no nothing and I'm fucking 19 almost 20 here in the next 6 months. Sure I have had ONLINE boyfriends but nothing physically which just bugs me so much. I really wanna have that feeling of having someone there to hold, kiss, cuddle, you know all that cheesy mumbo jumbo. But I highly doubt that is ever gonna happen because all the guys here are dicks, cocky, head in the clouds except for like one or two ya know? All the good guys I know, are all online -.-

How sad am I? jeez. I need a boyfriend before I loose my mind. All my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends wtf why can't I?

Anywhosers now I got that off my chest,

What I am really sad about is that warped tour no longer is coming to my town,

because of the ampitheater closing. It makes me so sad, I have to go to either cleveland or cincinatti to go to one :(

well I guess I am done. idk why you read it all if you did o_O

Oh and you know what would be cool?

is if I was a dog.

Why?

Because I wouldn't have to work and I could mooch off people :D

Peace out,

Brittany

My First Blog :) On the site

You could say my life has been a bit hectic for the past 3 days. Saturday evening/sunday morning my mom was admitted to the hostpital (I made her go because she was having MAJOR pain). Finally today she will be home. Well possibly they are running tests and what not on her to desifer it.

But let me talk about myself for a second. I may sound pessimistic but I am really am starting to believe that my love life will NEVER exist. You know what is so pathetic? Is having no first boyfriend, no first kiss, no nothing and I'm fucking 19 almost 20 here in the next 6 months. Sure I have had ONLINE boyfriends but nothing physically which just bugs me so much. I really wanna have that feeling of having someone there to hold, kiss, cuddle, you know all that cheesy mumbo jumbo. But I highly doubt that is ever gonna happen because all the guys here are dicks, cocky, head in the clouds except for like one or two ya know? All the good guys I know, are all online -.-

How sad am I? jeez. I need a boyfriend before I loose my mind. All my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends wtf why can't I?

Anywhosers now I got that off my chest,

What I am really sad about is that warped tour no longer is coming to my town,

because of the ampitheater closing. It makes me so sad, I have to go to either cleveland or cincinatti to go to one :(

well I guess I am done. idk why you read it all if you did o_O

Oh and you know what would be cool?

is if I was a dog.

Why?

Because I wouldn't have to work and I could mooch off people :D

Peace out,

Brittany